I love my grandparents. They are good, Scottish, tiny people who steep great tea and hate Ross Geller. If I had to pinpoint their greatest flaw it would probably be their penchant to buy a subscription to whichever newspaper they get the cheapest cold call from. For years it was the Star, but the last four months or so has seen the woefully-inept-in-all-categories (including and especially cover pages) Toronto Sun land on our doorstep every day.

The Star had a lot of glaring flaws in their sports section. A columnist I won’t mention by name because I am SURE he has Google Alerts set up in his name, Amien-Day Ox-Cay and one of the creepiest Mr. Heckles-y guest stars ever: Rosie “Please Tell Me More About Sidney Crosby’s Curly Hair” DiManno. They were offset by normal people like Paul Hunter, though, a quality the Sun severely lacks.

What they do have is a whole lot of filler between pages of The Steve Simmons Show, which this season seems to be an 84 act opus about all the ways in which the author has been wronged by Brian Burke. Please prepare your violins for today’s 3 page horse-beating on the subject!

People still care about Burke and Cherry not getting along, right? Good. Let’s start by superimposing a photo of an old Sun article on the subject over Brian looking surly. Next!

Simmons: “I count seven national media people of prominence … who have been frozen out, cut off, or had their bosses contacted by Burke.” 

He slid that in like an expert without mentioning that he is one of those seven and it has rather obviously scarred him deeply. Journalistic integrity, where you at!

“For a man who claims he doesn’t give a ‘rat’s ass’ what people think, he sure gets in [his] share of verbal scraps.”

For a dude who claims to have earned a job writing in a sports section, Steve sure loves acting like the Brian Burke vs. Media act is specific to Toronto. Brush up on your (recent!) history sir, before Burke tries to fight you in a rented barn.

“Last year, when Phil Kessel was the last pick in the all-star draft last year (good editing at the Sun, y’all), Burke made all kinds of noise about the all-star process and his players being embarrassed and he shouted loudly for change. This year, the complete opposite. San Jose GM Doug Wilson shrugged off the fact that his player was last pick.”

This one has an extra special place in my heart for neglecting to mention that Kess was picked last in an experimental year that included folding chairs being snapped up and removed as the players sat alone under a spotlight like they were about to get sent into The Hunger Games. There was no mention of a compensatory car until the end, no Brendan Shanahan to stop Ovechkin from taking blurry photos of your misery.

This year, the players sat backstage on couches and around waited-on tables before the final four were pulled onstage together. Obviously Logan Couture didn’t give a shit about being last pick! All it meant was an extra half an hour of drinking on a leather couch with Jason Pominville. He might be a dull bar buddy but it’s hardly an embarrassing way to spend your time.

All of this was followed by a racket from Tim Baines about Don Cherry being sad that Burke doesn’t send him doting St. Patrick’s Day cards (for real!) anymore. At last, 10 and 11 pages into the sports section, lies the Sun’s coverage of last night’s ASG Skills Competition. A months-old bit of feistiness between a GM and one of his team’s least relevant reporters pulled rank over the only sporting related thing on TV last night.

Put the pitchfork away, Steve. One man angrily wielding a torch does not a revolution start. If you won’t do me this small favour, I think buying my grandparents a scrip to the Globe and Mail is the least you can do.

4 months ago with 6 notes 6 notes
tagged as: don cherry. logan couture. phil kessel. steve simmons what is your deal. toronto maple leafs. toronto sun. a thing.